Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
