I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
