I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
