if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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