I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
