I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
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