So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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