I looked at my own cervix.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Randomize
