Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
