I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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