I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
