i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
