I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
