Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
