So drunk its hurt
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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