its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
