he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
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You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
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If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
What's dad's email?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room