so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit