Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
