I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
