I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
