There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
