i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
