I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
