dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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