She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
