you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm just crazy horny about you
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
