It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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