Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
