I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Randomize
