uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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