"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
