turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
