the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
We need to rekindle our bromance
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
