my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
When are your genitals available?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
