i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
