Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
