yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
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I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
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the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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