It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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