she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
