From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize