I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
