The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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