I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
