I just pynch a tree in the face
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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