I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
