As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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