4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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