textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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