yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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