you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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