my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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