I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm passing your future prison.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
