I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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