a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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