My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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