if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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