I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
