Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
