ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
