i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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