o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
